I wish I could punch you in the face.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
