evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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