I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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