I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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