Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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