If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
