Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
