i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
