if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
