so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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