I want to make a zoo with you.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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