Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
