she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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