I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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