Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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