The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
