so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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