You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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