dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The Olympian is in my bed
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
