Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
