I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
