First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
