My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
