So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
