u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
