I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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