Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
