Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
