I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
