no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
