The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
