the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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