At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
