I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
