what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
