I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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