Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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