i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
