he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
