I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
