oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
