Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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