i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
