you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
