im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
