put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
