Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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