Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
