I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
