highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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